Today is 25 January 2024. My last message dates from 12 April 2023.
I started this diary on 12 April 2022
I stopped writing online almost a year ago now for many reasons:
- Nobody has answered or confirmed that they read it for many months now
- Many have just not only ignored me but have invested in taking the time to be impolite and try to beleive that they are capable of hurting me emotionally
I have decided to stop worrying about that, and to start from scratch on this great new writehistory.com platform.
Right, this is tough, I don’t know where to start.
This is something I will have to build up again, gradually. Yesterday. The lights went out on me again. That last time that had happened, was on 12 August when I went to hospital, for a depression. They admitted me there at that time. They helped me, not in the best way I had hoped, but according to standards, and taking into account that patients had an intelligence above average, meaning that you are allowed to speak if you use your brain, I was good. It was good.
Yesterday was something else. As I said, mental black out, again. I made my bag, called a taxi, and went to the emergency department of my local hospital.
A young guy, probably gay, with a hair tail, who looked a bit older than my 5 year old prince started asking me the most stupid questions. One of them was: ‘OK, so you are suicidal, and if I would ask you to come back in 3 weeks, would you consider that?’
Haha. How can you ask an M55 to postpone his suicide because he is on a waiting list. Are you joking? Really? He was very curious about how I would kill myself, for the rest, I felt like this was all about him, not me. That was not an intake, that was, in my opinion, a wrong conversation between two wrong people who were never supposed to meet. One was so called educated to help others, the other, me, was so called desperate. I would never pack my bags and go to hospital by taxi if I did not need help.
Conclusion: ‘we are fully booked, we will call you back. Can you please postpone your suicide?’
The M55 refers to the online chat disappointments.